Parts

As this week comes to an end, I can't help but let my mind race over everything I have to do before the ship sails away from Benin. While the hospital on board is closing its doors, I am gearing up for a big transition for the patients we care for outside of the steel doors. I have three children who are only just past the halfway point in their treatment for Burkitt's.

I have patients who have no means of buying medication or supplies for their wounds, and may live past the 3 months supply we leave behind. When we sail, Africa will still be here, these people stay right in their same situations.

But that's not entirely true. People here have been changed forever. Whether it was by a surgery that corrected a deformity, a farmer who learned how to grow crops, or a pastor who now knows how to council the mentally ill, people have changed. Parts of this country have been altered, for the better, forever. The biggest mistake one could make who is here in Africa would be to think they deserved any of the credit for whats been accomplished this year.

I too have been changed forever, I will never again look at the world the way I did just 9 short months ago. Parts of me wish I didn't have to learn so many lessons the hard way. Parts of me wish I could have stayed in the comfort of home, doing Dunkin Donuts coffee runs on the weekends while working in one of the top hospitals in America with state of the art care for all of the sweet children who come through its doors. Parts of me wish I didn't have to suffer so much heart ache and grow so attached to kids who I then watched die. Parts of me wishes I was done right now, packed up and ready to sail.

But those are just small parts, the whole of me, my heart, is more invested, more in love, than it has ever been. I wouldn't change one thing about this year, not one thing about my life. My latest lesson was learned though those tears over Luc. This story, in its entirety, is in God's control, it always has been.
Yesterday, I was reading through my favorite blog. A while back she posted something from the lay apostle, Anne. Without fully researching her(Anne's) crediblity (actually, I got dizzy looking through all of the different opinions about her), this particular part struck me.

"First, there will always be a difference between the world’s path and heaven’s path. These two paths, while they can run along side each other for increments, will always separate. Ultimately, each man will have to choose. Every man, to a greater or lesser degree, will have to contend with choosing first good over evil and then he will have to make another choice and that is the choice of choosing My plan for his life over his own plan for his life. After that, the choices become even more studied in that the man must choose My plan in each day, in each task and even in each moment. You may say, dear apostle, that this is a difficult call for a man, to study his actions in each day. You may say, this is asking a lot. You are right. I, Jesus, am asking a lot of you. I ask for your full commitment and I do so without apology. Dearest apostles, if you give me your full commitment, there is no limit to what I can do. Look at your life. You have said yes to me on many days. Examine what I have done with your yes answers."

The parts of me that want to be home are outweighed by what I believe to be the call on my life, why I am here. All of me is in a postion of thanksgiving. I have fullness of life, I have gained so much by giving up everything.

"Truly, your hearts, open and filled with My love, call out to others. You provide for Me a welcome to those who feel separated. If they can be taken into your heart for even a brief moment and experience Me, with My love, then they will have the courage to both approach Me directly and to accept Me directly. Please, do not count the sacrifices when you consider your service. Do not count the loss of worldly respect. Count only the souls who are comforted and consoled. Count the repentance and healing of so many who have been restored to unity with heaven. Count the humility that I have bestowed on you, dear apostle, since you began to learn about true holiness. I am your King. I can give you anything. I choose to give you peace and holiness. I choose to make of you a resolute servant. Accept My will in your life and you will then be able to accept all of the graces heaven has stored up for you."

Africa is much more than just a part of my life. Its where I have found my place in God's plan. Its where my heart was broken for 'the least of these', where I died everyday to my own will and desires, and put my trust to the real test. Its where I will continue to learn hard lessons and love with every ounce of energy I have. It is where I will put all of my effort, laced with tears and moments of pure joy, into these last days before the ship sails.

Every part of me is ready.