So much

Since last posting my emotions have been labile at best. You could catch me at any time throughout the day and I'll be on the verge of tears. When I became a pediatric nurse I didn't sign up for my patients dying, that wasn't part of the package. I said I would never do oncology, kids with cancer were just too sad.
When I became a Christian, I changed. I wanted to do anything for Christ, I prayed for His heart. I wanted to love like Him.

Luc's parents called on Monday to say he had increased swelling in his right eye, the same eye that once was bulging out from a large tumor. We watched the tumor disappear, he was one of the ones that would make it in my determined heart. I went immediately to Dr. Gary. He said what I didn't want him to, that the treatment works only 70% of the time, that kids who initially respond then can have the cancer fight back.
Maurice's mom called too. He was sick and his cancer was getting worse too. She was bringing him up-country where she could care for him and we promised to call her.
Rachelle has malaria and no money for treatment. We told her to borrow, to do anything she could to go get treatment. She can't get her next dose of chemo without being treated first.

After all of it, I went to my room and sobbed. I cried for Enock and Aime, I cried for little Maddie. I gasped for air thinking about Luc, Maurice, and Rachelle.
Please Jesus. Help me. Help Luc, save Maurice, be with Rachelle. I love them so much. This hurts too much.

My sweet Suzanne. Their story has been written since the beginning of time. I wrote you into it for a reason. When they come home, they will be in Heaven, with Me. I cry for them too. I love them even more than you. I have shown you what real love is, what it is to truly love my children.

Of course my heart feels as though it will burst. Of course I still, even now, sit with tears threatening to roll down my cheeks in the middle of the staff office where I type (great place to blog, Suzanne). I prayed yesterday and sent out an email to my mom asking her to do the same. We had an appointment yesterday with a pediatrician to talk about Luc. There is one more drug we can try but it isn't available fom the ship or even in this country for that matter.
When I shook the doctors hand, I knew he was our answer to prayer. While talking, he was using his hands and after only a few minutes, Luc, who was sitting on my lap, started mimicking the doctors hand gestures. During Luc's exam, the doctor tickled him and interacted in a way that made my heart relax. When we got up to leave, Luc ran over and held the doctors hand. He trusted this man, and through his eyes, I trusted him too. I knew that after we left, God would put the right people in line to do what was right. Instead of blind trust, I got to have a glimpse of who God had in mind.

I walked out of the hot building, hand in hand with Luc. When we came to the edge of the curb and counted,
un, deux, trois.
Then we jumped. We continued this over the cracks in the sidewalk, over some tiles set in the ground (you get the picture) all the way to the car. Again, deep in my soul, I heard a whisper.

Suzanne, be like Luc. Live for this moment. Smile, laugh, be joyful. I have so much for you, just open your eyes. Enjoy this time with Luc, don't look into the future. Have trust, experience my presence, right now. I am here.

God, you have given me so much, so much that I don't deserve. Thank you for loving me, for showing me how to love, and being there to pick up the pieces when my heart feels destroyed by the pain that comes with loving like you. I will set my eyes on you, I will wait on you. I will choose joy over heartache.

Mark 10: 13-16
"People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."