Hmmm

I can't even come up with a title for this post, which I guess only goes to show the state of mind I have found myself in the last few days. I can't put my finger on when exactly it happened but I suppose recent feelings have been welling up for a while. The last couple of weeks have had scattered moments of sheer happiness and excitement, but very fleeting. I have found myself deeply pondering everything around me and looking critically at my life at times. I fell out of my habit of my daily bible study (fixed that tonight), however I have been diligent with keeping my prayer journal and not turning the TV on at night. I think I have come to a place where I am really looking at myself and what makes me "me". For so long my identity was wrapped up in other people and my self inflicted torture of what I thought other people wanted me to be. I have my identity in God which I am ever-grateful for, but what exactly does that look like on a day to day basis? Am I an example to everyone around me of a heart after Christ? Am I strong enough to even bear that title? Am I witnessing in a bold way, unafraid of what people may think of me? I feel the need every night to just surrender my life to God, every thought, every action. How long until my every mind and heart are completely in tune with His will and purpose? Will I know when that day comes? Will that day come? I have no idea why but my excitement over these same exact questions has turned into, I don't even have a word...burden, maybe. These thoughts all rushed through my head until last night. I literally just said to God "Why am I so weary? Am I not leaning on you? is it fear? mistrust? I give it all to you, I am too tired to try and figure it out on my own. Let me be guided by you" I wrote those very words down and thought about just calling it a night but then I felt the urge to just open the bible at random, something I haven't done in a long time. I read Psalm 43 and as I got to the end I felt a smile start creeping up at the edges of my mouth.
Psalm 43: "Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put you Hope in God for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."
My spirit was renewed, I felt good and truly at peace for the first time in days. I rested easy knowing that by surrendering my life and letting go of any personal desires or wants I could put my Hope in God to take care of the rest. I don't know what the catalyst for this "funk" was, sometimes I wonder if it is something that creeps into my sub-conscious and takes hold without me realizing it for a while. I'm sure there are anxieties or fears or thoughts of "what if" concerning leaving home for a year that are laying right under the surface. If I even remotely try to conquer these feelings myself I'll be totally at a loss. So for now I will continue to surrender myself every night, and will resume my optimistic outlook on life and my faith. There is joy to be found in every day, I am certain of that. Some days I suppose you just have to look a little harder (and the bible is the best place to start looking).