Part one-Contemplation

This is the first of a two part post. I am realizing more and more that all of my thoughts and prayers surrounding the latest issue in my life will be too much for me to try and write about in one sitting. I won't mention exactly what the issue has been as I haven't made a final decision regarding it, but I do want to show how God is working in my life, especially so over the last two days. Yesterday I received an email concerning the work I will be doing in Africa next year. More or less every single expectation I have had up until this point was washed away and I was left feeling this strange sensation of loss. This is weird and hard to explain because the feeling is like nothing I have ever experienced, especially because it was a loss of something I haven't even experienced yet...if that makes any sense. My automatic reaction was tears, mixed with a flood of thoughts and very quickly after that prayer. Unfortunately I opened the email right before I had to go to work so instead of processing it on my own, secluded from the everything else, I was forced to do my praying in the car driving down 93. At one point I turned on a mix of Christian music I made and just let the words of the songs be my prayer. As the songs played I felt like I was so still I was hardly breathing. My mind was a blank slate, I didn't know where to begin with my own thoughts.
I'm realizing now that this is really vague, it will make more sense when Part 2 is written. How do you put into words how powerful Gods work is in your life?
So back to the car. I finally got to the garage and started writing down the different verses from the songs that spoke to me and became my prayer. Here they are:

"My heart and my soul, I give you control. Consume me from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fails. Never ending Your Glory goes beyond all things. The cry of my heart is to bring You praise. From the inside out Lord my soul cries out."

"Your will above all else my purpose remains. The art of losing myself and bringing you praise."

"When you call I won't refuse."

This morning I woke up to do my bible study and smiled at the days topic. In the very fist paragraph I read lines that more or less summed up my prayers over the last weeks, but more so in the last 24 hours. The author was talking about decision making in our life and what the best way to pray looks like.
"Lord, whatever I know to be your will, I will do it. Regardless of the cost and regardless of the adjustment, I commit myself ahead of time to follow your will. Lord, no matter what this looks like, I will do it."

The author then asked at the end of the topic for the reader to make out a list of spiritual markers in their life, a spiritual inventory. The basis behind this exercise is this:
"When God gets ready for you to take a new step or direction in His activity, it will always be in sequence with what He has already been doing in your life."

I found it interesting that I was finding myself doing a spiritual "inventory" within less than a day of needing to make a big decision, hmmm....
The more and more I contemplate this decision I realize the reasons for NOT doing it seem to all be selfish so far. I think I know what I will say, I think I've actually known since I got the email. I needed to go through this time of reflection and time with God to be sure. I will update tomorrow!