His Grace is sufficient

So...
Its been an incredible, exhausting couple of days since I last posted. On Sunday I walked around mostly unaware of how I was feeling. It was one of those times where you have no discernible emotion. I wasn't up, I wasn't down, I basically could have melted into myself and absolutely justified a day spent in pajamas, curled around my laptop, half paying attention to movies playing (probably in bed, where then my laptop would get hot enough to start a small fire, making the whole experience quite exciting in the end). Instead I said yes for plans to go to church and made my way through the day until it was time for the service. During worship I felt the familiar tightness in my chest and lump in my throat growing as I often do. Worship affects me in ways I'll never be able to explain, and I pray that will never lessen over time.
During one of the songs, with tears freely falling down my cheeks, I started seeing instances in my life from God's perspective. I saw His literal presence in my life, especially during times when I thought I was the one in control.

Your job at Children's was to prepare you for here. I put you there to hear about Mercy Ships, to teach you so many lessons.

I was there all of those nights you wouldn't look in the mirror because you knew I was calling you back and you were ignoring every plea.

I am here with you, I have called you, I love you.

The song continued on, and memories of my past flooded back. There was no sorrow, no grief. all has been forgiven. Instead, I was able to see Gods presence in very specific circumstances. I got to see just how intricately He has always been working in my life. I was standing in awe of my God, my friend.

"And I, I'm desperate for you.
And I, I'm lost without you"

Today at 7am I faced nearly 1000 people standing in line. They were all waiting for a screening we were expecting we would need to fill spots for surgery, never guessing we would be saying no to nearly every face in the massive crowd.
They were all told through the night as they waited, and that morning, that we had no room.
No one moved.
They all looked at us, some desperate just to be heard. Maybe they thought if we heard their story, if we knew they travelled sometime for days, that this is their only chance at a normal life, maybe then we would say yes.
But we couldn't.
Several were fortunate enough to be put on a "maybe" list, the rest were turned away. We prayed for all those willing, and others walked off with disappointment written harshly across their faces, and there was nothing we could do.
Some of the hardest for me were the people who left their hand on my arm, the gesture they originally used for asking one last time for a chance, and said "Thank you, God bless you". Why would it have been easier if they would just be mad? Yell at me, tell me its unfair, something. Please.
This morning wasn't easy, but it also wasn't impossible. The precious balance I depend on was there, holding me up when I wanted to crumble.
When I got back to the ship I returned a phone call to a woman we are working with at a local hospital. Together we are treating a patient as best we can, with very limited resources. The patient is steadily declining, and now has become too weak to even travel home between dressing changes, instead opting to sleep on a bench outside the hospital. She is more or less slowly dying, and has no one to claim her, no one to take care of her as much as she requires. I hung up the phone feeling totally defeated. I'm upset at the circumstances, I can't stand the system here, or lack thereof. Its too hard, it shouldn't be this hard for people.

At the end of the day I am on my feet, I'm still standing. Tomorrow I will wake up, walk down the gangplank, and step into a new day. Don't ever be confused by thinking I am here on my own strength. I don't have the power to put one foot in front of the other some days. It is sheer Grace that allows me to experience life here without falling into a thousand pieces. In all of this I still feel joy, I am wrapped and soothed in comfort, in His promise.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."