People who go home often have a hard time coming back. Being home reminds them of their life, how good it is to be surrounded by people who know them. How sweet coffee and conversations are face to face, how hugs feel different when the other person has loved you for years is on the other side.
I can't stop getting choked up every time some asks about my mom leaving and how I feel about it.
I'm not 5 years old, and maybe should be tougher, yet I'm not giving myself too hard a time over the lump in my throat. Some days a person gets tired of saying goodbye, from being apart from everyone important in their life.
My heart aches over not being with my sister on her birthday, picking apples and taking pictures of the changing leaves on the trees. It physically hurts to look at the pictures.
I want to go home.
That looks so scary written down.
Its not a "I want to go home" for real, I just want to say it because right now I'm feeling that way. I just want to go home, even if its for a little while, just for some hugs maybe. A collection of pictures from my friends and family is running across my mind, and now the tears are continuously falling. Facebook is apparently dangerous territory today...
In my logical mind I keep telling myself that this is normal, that I will be ok.
I prayed this morning through the anxious thoughts arising from out of nowhere. I firmly held my cheek against the head of baby anicette, a cleft lip baby who I love with every fiber of my heart. I hugged familiar kids who shouted my name and "ciao bella" when I walked by D ward this morning. I shook hands with a boy who's name means 'strength', a boy who I see a few times a week and who always smiles like we haven't shaken hands in months.
Hmm. Funny, I'm not so upset after writing that last bit.
I also wrote down Oswald Chambers 'My Utmost' for the day. The last part got to me, which I suppose in itself is also a comfort.
"Once the call of God comes to you, start going and never stop"
Before coming here my life at home was good. Really good. I guess that doesn't help much with leaving all of it. The truth of the matter is I am nothing without this call on my life. Losing my identity and following Jesus saved me. Being here is the biggest privelege this girl could dream of, and you would believe that if you knew the life I came from.
It is hard some days, I was upset a few minutes ago when I started this post, but its ok. I see God and how huge He is, how soveriegn He is. Then I realize His sincere, fatherly attention to the 5 year old in me that wants to go home. His attention to the broken prayers in my heart.
I joke about how this blog is therapeutic for me, how I don't keep a normal journal. Again, its not my own words but God's work that provides the therapy.
Today you got to see it in real time-
By no coincidence, the following verse is written a few doors down on the whiteboard that bears a new one daily.
"Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the Lord"
'Rollercoaster' wouldn't even begin to describe this adventure.
Another reason to smile-How can you NOT smile at a random encounter with a face like this while going about your business on a Monday;
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