"Home"

As I sit here getting ready to recap the last month I’m at a loss of where to start. I am sitting in a little corner at the Atlanta airport waiting for my flight home. I am no longer surrounded by people I know. I can’t walk out in search for someone to talk to; someone to help me process what is going through my head. I am lost in a crowd of people, and that’s ok. God is here with me, he comforted me as I said tearful goodbyes earlier today. He wrapped me up in His presence when I settled into my seat on the plane leaving my most recent home. When I stepped off into the bright white lights of this airport He told me to put one foot in front of the other, when I doubted I could move forward.
To try and put into words the change that has occurred in my heart over the last 5 weeks would be impossible. There were days when my own thoughts threatened to drown out Gods still, small voice. Two years ago you would have found me a different person than I am now. The same could be said going back to only 5 weeks ago. I came to Intro to Mercy Ships and Gateway with expectations of going to class and maybe having some fun. I didn’t count on forming relationships that slowly invaded my heart and subsequently brought me pure joy. I didn’t suspect I would or could feel the way I do now. For 5 weeks I have been filled by the knowledge and faith of people who are walking or have walked right through these same steps. Each individual spoke to me in different ways. I have been challenged and stretched, and although I am exhausted, I am good, really good.
Yesterday I was telling people that I have never felt the power of people who cared about me so individually. Does that make sense? For example, one morning I was running late getting ready. I figured everyone had left and when I walked outside my roommate was waiting with breakfast (I’m loving go-gurts now) and walked up with me, sacrificing her own timeliness to class. Late in the week I walked out to see packing tape hanging on the outside of my door. The night before I had been packing up a box to put on a container going to the ship. My friend made a trip to Wal-Mart and had grabbed me tape, even after I had said I would figure something out and not to bother. Little things like these make my heart smile, the simpler the better, honestly.
Once the goodbyes were over and we were tucked into the car on the way to Dallas I sat trying to hide tears behind my sunglasses, and then the thoughts started flowing. I could hardly write them down fast enough. As I looked to my new friend in the front seat, sunglasses on, hair whipping around in the wind I realized how excited I was to be exactly where I was at that moment. When I said goodbye to one of the instructors she said we would pick up were we left off the next time we talked, and I know that’s true. I learned that when you let people into your heart you can finally know what it feels to be alive. Sometimes it makes you ache, but that’s real, and I want realness, I want to live. In the last few weeks people have said some of the most incredible things to me, I believed them, and that’s a feat in itself. I believe there is an inherent desire in most people to go on some sort of pilgrimage, to go ‘find’ ourselves. It’s actually selfish in ways, unless you surrender the control to God. Its better with God and the parts when you are speeding down the highway, with new people and relationships embedded deep in your heart, you realize that when you are in line with Gods will he will give you the bonus and fulfill that desire in your heart to go on an adventure.
Life moves so fast, we only get this one chance. I’m coming out of this knowing that without taking chances and trusting God will work everything out according to His perfect timing, I will never actually live.

Now I am going to wrap up this post from home. I walked out into the freezing air last night and filled my lungs with Boston, with home. I let myself melt into arms that wrapped around me. I am with people who want to hear all about everything but will also let me sit and contemplate in the silence.
I woke up this morning and fumbled around my suitcase for my toothbrush. When I couldn’t find my toothpaste I wondered around a bit, somewhat dazed, toothbrush in hand. I wasn’t sure what to do. Thankfully there was coffee already made, and if you know me then you know the world is a much better place for me once I am holding a cup of goodness in my hands. Later on, still feeling disoriented I came downstairs where my friend is packing and listening to her “Boston” play list.



It’s breaking up the quietness and its making me feel a little more human (not to mention I just took the last sip of my second cup of coffee). It’s good to be home, even if it’s only for 3 weeks. I’m taking this all in, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
I’m living.

(and I found my toothpaste so all is good)

Psalm 34:14
“…Seek peace and pursue it”