You're Crazy

Even as I begin writing I'm not sure what I will say in this post. I don't know where to start. I can't gather my thoughts or put together lines in my head. Maybe its because its 2 am and I just had one of the more startling realizations of, well, today (I dare not underscore whats been going on inside this head of mine for the last month +) I'll start with what my friend said to me as she was getting out of my car tonight.
"We all think you're crazy for going to Africa"
"huh???"
"I mean, you've gotta do what you've gotta do, but when you start talking about "Gods" plan, and "His" purpose it scares us".
This is one of my oldest friends, and if I'm being honest, she got the toned-down version of my support letter.
After some talking back and forth, or rather, some vain attempts at me to explaining myself and my purpose, and God, and...you get the point, she was on her way out the door.
So I cried.
I cried out of frustration and hurt. I cried because while listening to the song "Hallelujah" I felt that indeed I was singing a "cold and broken Hallelujah". I cried because that's apparently what I do these days (that's meant to be funny, laugh with me people) She sees the changed life in me, she sees that I'm happy, she knows about God, albeit not in the same way as me, but there is some understanding. And she thinks I'm nuts.

Why God, what do I do with this? How can I explain? What could I have done differently?

I got home with my mind racing. Before I could even shut off my car God cleared my mind.

Keep doing what you're doing, all you can do is trust me to do the rest.

And then my phone rings, and now 1 1/2hours later I am sitting here trying to recap what just went on, desperately trying to recall what was just said. I'm realizing now I had prayed for the right words to use, and I think I said them.
I have been craving some realness, someone to look me square in the eye and tell me exactly what they are thinking about me leaving. I guess I just didn't realize one of my oldest, closest friends would be thinking I'm crazy. Thankfully this particular friend wanted to hear what I had to say, and will talk to me on levels that most won't dare to tread. We don't believe the same things, and the root of our whole conversation comes down to the fact that she is scared for me, nervous about what I will be doing and that I'm doing it for the right reasons. That's not reason to be upset or frustrated, its real and its honest, and that's all I'm looking for here.

I haven't been outright in inviting my friends to church, and instead of wondering "what if" or I "should have" and feeling guilty, I'm inviting them all this week. All I said to her tonight was come and see. Come and see what my life looks like now, come and see why I'm doing this.
"Don't try and convert me"
"I'm not, but it doesn't mean I'm not praying for you"

These friends have seen me at my ultimate worst. They were there for all of those years that I have spent the last two trying to heal from. They have been loyal and steadfast, and even after tonight I know they still think I'm crazy. But that's ok.
My life looks different, it is different. They see that, and I think that's awesome. That's the point after all.
After I convinced my friend that I am not drinking some crazy kool-aid and that although this is hard, and I'm not scared or trying to "find myself", we said "I love you" to each other. We meant it, its a love that resides deep in our hearts. Its a love whose roots go back a lot of years. I don't know if we will ever be on the same page, or if she will ever understand why I am doing this. She may always think I'm crazy.

But I love her, and it doesn't mean I'm not praying for her.