Now that I am settled in and my mind is left to (endlessly) wander, I have been finding myself wrapped up in thought processes that can be hard to digest. I have been feeling a certain need to draw close to God, a calling to drop distractions and hold on tight. I know this will be the adventure of a lifetime, but am I ready for it to be heart breaking at the same time?
Why do peoples geography have anything to do with whether or not they get their basic human needs met?
Who do you fight for with finding means for treating their cancer and who do you sit next to and offer a hand to hold, accepting their fate, yet praying for a miracle?
How do you justify patients dying here on the ship?
Why are we not immune to the bad stuff here when we came to help?
Gods ways are not our ways. Ok, but what does that mean?
When do I stop seeking answers and let my mind rest with God?
How do I stop struggling with these thoughts? (stay tuned till the end of the post, tonight has been good)
The people here in Africa have a better grasp on this than I do, and a bigger faith to go with it. I don't think those things are separate matters, not even a little. I used to think that it was merely a lack of knowledge, no realization that life could be better. Now I'm here, and I don't see that at all. I see joy in pain, rejoicing in suffering, and a faith on fire in people who could have given up on God a long time ago. These people are not ignorant, I am. (hopefully I can put that into past tense sooner than later, I'm getting there.)
I want to finish each day knowing I did everything I could for everyone I encountered. I don't want to hold expectations of God because lets face it, I'm not going to figure this all out, I'm not supposed to I don't think...
We are supposed to have faith. Real, active, on-fire faith. Beth Moore says "Faith unchallenged is faith stifled". I like that. Oh yea, and that was tonights study by the way, you could say that's interesting timing. Something else that had uncanny timing, the study had me take a test of faith too, yup, tonight. As my thoughts and questioning start culminating into something a tad scary I am forced to look my faith right in the eye, put it all on the table, so to say.
Want a wrap up? How about a bow on top, one that is helping my mind settle and is sure to help me sleep better at night. The last scripture in tonights study:
Jeremiah 33:3
"Call to me and answer, and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."
Got it. Or maybe not, haha. I'm praying, searching, seeking, and finding all at once.
God does not grant us immunity from pain, and I don't want that anyways. Heartache, questioning, this whole process is part of living and walking with God and serving Him. I don't want to ever be any other place. Like Mother Theresa said "love until it hurts, and then love even more".
I have only a fraction of what the people here in Benin have in regards to faith, and that's my "TIA" for the day. Awesome faith, astounding strength, joy through suffering...This is Africa my friends.
2 comments:
I'm in awe of your ability to tie things together--even put the bow on top :-) It's obvious that you are exactly where you should be and doing exactly what you should be doing. There's just too many blessings for everyone (your patients and their families, your co-crew members, your readers and YOU) to doubt that for a minute! Thank you for making me think (and making me cry).
In God's economy, He wastes nothing including the pain and suffering. Be encouraged that when we don't know, GOD KNOWS. As His children we need to learn to rest in this knowledge as difficult as that is sometimes. May God provide the balance you heart needs to protect it but keep it from becoming shut down.
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