Giving up

Since being here I have been really trying to open my eyes, expand my worldview, and not impose my own thoughts and beliefs on my current situation. And then yesterday came.

We went to meet the patient I talked abut last week at the hospital. He was there to get his first dose of chemo, a feat in itself getting to that point. As we sat on the hot bench waiting for the doctor my mind raced. I closed my eyes, breathed in the thick air, and listened to peoples feet shuffling across the cement.

I want this to work God, please let this work

After seeing the doctor we headed down the dark hallway to the treatment room. They opened the door and when I looked in my stomach dropped, I nearly froze. Standing in the doorway I looked around. Chipped paint, dirty floors, open windows ushering dust in from outside. My eyes traced the old rusty IV pole.
This isn't right
I wanted to press 'stop' and somehow bring my patient to my world, to what I know. I wanted him to lay on a crisp white bed with shiny waxed floors underneath. I wanted to bring him a big, clean glass of water and prop him up on fluffy pillows. I wanted to hook him up to a fancy monitor and lay out all the sterile supplies on a clean, blue field. I kept swallowing the lump in my throat. I couldn't justify anything, this just was not ok.
At one point I had my back turned away from the nurse preparing the medications. All at once I smelled a strong, familiar smell. It was the alcohol being used to clean each medication he was drawing up. It immediately comforted me somehow, at least something was the same, I had something to hold onto, as small as it was.

As we were getting ready to leave we all stopped and prayed over our patient. Even the nurse prayed with us. I couldn't hold back the threats of tears pouring down my face. Inside I was screaming to stop all of it. Stop him from being sick. Stop the fear in his wife's eyes. Please, just make this stop.

Its ok my child. Remain hopeful. I am here protecting him. Give it all to me.

Even as I type this I can't help but struggle through this again with tears. God is saying these exact words now as I recount the pain of yesterday. Some wounds take a little while to heal I guess, this still hurts so bad. I want so much to make this ok, somehow make it all go away. As I prayed yesterday I was almost grateful for the tears. They make you feel alive sometimes, a sort of indicator that your heart is out there and wide open. I wouldn't give these moments and oppurtunities up for a minute, they humble me beyond belief and I thank God for being there right next to me as I struggle and learn. He is protecting my sweet patient, He knows the number of hairs on his head, and all the days of his life. He will be here with him until he takes his last breath, and then will welcome him home when its time. I need to hand him over, give up my own views and trust God.

Prov 18:10
"The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and they are safe"

Psalm 121:7
"The Lord will keep you from all harm-He will watch over your life"